I've put together a completely cathartic handout. It allowed me to be productive and address a situation in a professional way while simultaneously feeling like I could subversively, covertly unmuzzle myself a bit and, frankly, respond to some student inappropriateness in the way that I would have liked to with the individual students in question. I was motivated by catching myself, one too many times, being really irritated by an impertinent student email and thinking, "Well, one of these days somebody is going to read them the riot act." And I realized that I can step in and say something, without it being a riot act, so that I don't have to read so many bad emails and so my students don't get read the riot act by somebody else in the future. I'm still toning down the language a bit as I edit this for the final version to be distributed, but as something between a distributable version and a fantasy version, I rather like the state of it now.
You can access it in Google Docs by clicking here.